Tuesday January 02, 2007: Another post-holiday shopping trip, focused on getting my wife some very pretty items. Our first stop was Christopher & Banks in Cary (N.C.), where she purchased a pair of embroidered jeans, a burgundy-colored v-neck sweater with a matching long swede-like feminine skirt, plus a rust-colored crew-neck tank with cut-out detail around the neckline and bottom hem. Our next stop was TJ Maxx where she purchased a pair of Paris Blues low-rise junior jeans, and an beige-colored Jeanne Pierre 100% cotton cabled deep v-neck sweater, that matches the one that we purchased for me on Dec. 30/06 (above). All of her items looked fabulous on her!! We also found a sleeveless moss-colored tank-style tee-shirt with embroidery, sequins and small pearls around the neckline for me, that should also look terrific with the aforementioned sweater!
Prior to visiting TJ Maxx, we also dropped in at Lane Bryant, where we purchased two Venezia modern tees for myself (fuschia and moss-green, that will also match my sweater, and other items ;-). I actually went into the dressing room at Lane Bryant, to try the tees on to make sure they fit, before purchasing them - another small "first!"
A miscellaneous note: I have been letting my hair grow out (from my short male-style haircut) for 4 months now, and over the past week or two I have been noticing (and loving) how it's starting to feel! Although the length is still very short, it "feels" so much better, and noticeably longer while washing it in the shower. A long time ago (high school - 1970s) I actually had shoulder length hair, as was the style, and although my fine brown hair is very straight, it had natural waves when it was longer. I can't wait to see if this happens, again!
More significantly, today we had our first consultation with licensed electrologist/laser specialist Dana Begley Combopiano at CorLase, in Cary, NC (... continued in the Laser Hair Removal subsection of my Journal ...)
Second, tonight my wife 'Sunshine' and I attended our second-ever TG support meeting, this time the monthly Triad Gender Association meeting in Greensboro, NC! As we did last weekend at the TTS group meeting (refer above), we had a truly wonderful time, meeting new and extremely interesting people of various backgrounds, including supportive parents of transgendered children, etc. This is a more diverse group (cross-dressers, transgendered and transsexuals, family members, spouses and partners), with attendance tonight at 26 persons, not counting the FTM support group that was meeting simultaneously in another room! Our sincere thanks to D**w, S****i and the rest of the 'regulars' for so warmly welcoming us, and the pleasant post-meeting conversations! I would especially like to thank those of you who took the time to send a brief message with some kind words or to share some personal information, following either meeting (TTS; TGA)! :-)
The following is perhaps the most significant highlight of the evening, with regard to my own personal "progression." Having shaved my beard, and purchased some very beautiful items (refer to my Journal entries dated December 31, 2006, and January 02 & 04, 2007), I had decided at that time that when the opportunity presented itself - i.e. when I had a completely shaved face - that I would gather my courage and venture out in public "en femme" for the first time!! Well, tonight was the big night. In part because we are unfamiliar with Greensboro, including the driving distance/time, and the location of the TGA Meeting, 'Sunshine' and I decided to treat ourselves and stay overnight at the Marriott (downtown). This also gave me the opportunity to dress in my dark blue long, 'flowy' denim embroidered skirt, my darker blue (navy) Ralph Laren tank-top sweater, and 'moss'-colored (it's actually a much prettier shade than alluded by this descriptor) cabled deep-scoop v-neck sweater, not to mention my undergarments including dark hose and my navy-blue pumps. I don't have any wigs, etc. so I decided to simply wear a touch of makeup, and nothing else. (I think that I actually prefer to be 'natural' and grow into my feminine presentation, although I may adjust this attitude, as needed. As an example, I have a inexpensive pair of breast inserts, but I never wear them - they are just 'not me.' Although only a small B-cup, I much prefer my own slight cleavage.)
Of course, navigating from the hotel to the parkade we encountered several people (elevator; upper level lobby), including one gentleman of about our age who got on the elevator and though clearly surprised, was polite. I'm sure was confused as he tried to register what this 'person' was doing, accompanied by my very attractive wife! I am of course biased, but I (and most others, based on direct comments and other indicators) find 'Sunshine' to be a very attractive woman!! What can you do but grin and say hello! We soon arrived at the meeting, where we spent the next few hours. I was very glad that I had taken the time to wear my new heels at home the previous two evenings, getting up to walk about occassionally. I was expecting my feet to be much the worse for wear, this being my first extended and real time wearing heels (and 5" at that), but even despite standing around chatting for about 1-1/2 hours following the main discussion portion of the meeting, my feet, though sore, were not too bad (nor were my calves). All told, we were out for perhaps 4-1/2 hours, and I had no pain or blisters, the following morning! Of course, we once again encountered a few people (elevator, etc.) upon returning to the hotel, and although I was slightly uncomfortable, I was confident in my presentation (not embarassed), and strived to to keep my head high and and present a cheerful disposition! One last comment - I was pretty confident in my maneuvering about our home in heels - however, navigating hotel lobbies, parkages, pavement and sidewalks was quite a different matter, and more difficult than I had anticipated! :-P
Post-script (Sunday January 14, 2007): Wouldn't you know it, the following day I was back in 'drab,' while Sunshine checked us out of the hotel following breakfast - a full buffet breakfast was included with our room. I pulled our car around to the front entrance to wait for her. Just then, our male 'friend' from the elevator the previous evening walked past me toward his SUV. He recognized and gave me a small wave - again, probably more out of surprise - as he passed by. I'm certain that that this will a story that he will be telling upon his return to Virginia (based on his license plate)!
I am In addition to being unusually busy at work lately, I have also been rather extensively modifying my web site. Among the more notable changes, I decided to remove a lot of content related to medical/psychotherapy resources in North Carolina (and elsewhere), unless I have first-hand (or reputable) knowledge knowledge. The rationale for this is explained here. Additionally, as I have transitioned to being 'more than a crossdresser,' I am less interested in this content and time required to maintain an extensive list of CD and other web sites, so I decided to streamline these pages also, focusing exclusively on transgendered/transsexual links and resources. Another reason for this is that I am regarding these pages as more of a personal extension of myself (I plan to increase this content, i.e. personal history and thoughts 'preceding' and during my transitioning process, and have made some initial steps along these lines - see the link on my main, front page), and have been taking a viewpoint that these pages can be a useful tool, to explain to others (family, friends, coworkers, ...) my decisions regarding transitioning, as well as a source of educational material. I therefore wanted to ensure that I would feel comfortable showing anyone, such as family members, the content available on my web site, and thus decided to remove the superfluous content. Having done this, I've noted that my web page 'hits' per day (that just hit the ~60,000 mark, total, 1 year after I was forced to reconstruct my web site on TWC-Roadrunner after Yahoo-Geocities killed my last site) have dropped by about 50% - oh well - it's probably a 'better crowd,' n'est pas? ;-)
One last note, today is my birthday (46, but who's counting ;-) ! It was a fabulous day - the first time that it ever coincided with a holiday (President's Day, 2007), warm and sunny, a great (light) breakfast, early workout (45' on the elliptical cycler at the gym), fresh lobster sandwiches for lunch, and Indian food plus cheesecake for supper! Additionally, as Sunshine was picking up our supper, Starbucks gave her a free vente-sized Kenyan coffee for me! She also surprised me with a selection of very nice 'dress' skirts that I (will) need - I decided to keep one of these and return the other two, plus some makeup! Lastly, my body weight on my birthday was 210 lbs. (35 pounds lost during the previous 9 weeks), and my resting pulse is 45-48 beats per minute! I spent the day relaxing at home, reading [finishing Helen Boyd's latest book (She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband), then starting Virginia Erhardt's book, Head over Heels: Wives Who Stay With Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals), while enjoying several cups of coffee (French Roast) ... Sweet!!
Many of the articles and commentaries that I listed on my new Transitioning - 'Reality' Issues page also encourage a rather slow, reactionary approach to transitioning, the logic being that it is better for all involved to be able to take the time to adjust and "grow" into your new lifestyle, rather than charging recklessly ahead. (Well, that is the essence of what I'm trying to convey! ... :-)
Tonight was also another first for me! I'm not comfortable with some of my neighbors (we live in a townhome apartment complex), but I really need the experience of venturing out "en femme!" Therefore, I showered, shaved, and got dressed for the meeting (Greensboro is just under an hour's drive from Durham). Then, after mustering my courage (~5:00 pm, sunny; hispanic neighbor outside ...) we left our apartment, the first time that I had ever left my own home 'dressed!' I'm not sure if anyone saw me, but I was determined, if not apprehensive, since this changes any 'dynamic' or preceptions that these people (strangers, really) may have of me. I needed to overcome the psychological fear of being seen wearing women's clothing by people that I may encounter on a regular basis. It was one small (big) step, and I'm very proud of myself for doing it! I was wearing low pumps, a long black skirt, a burgundy top, but not much makeup (light eyeliner). Presentable, but not 'over the top!'
Parenthetically, this is the first time I have ever posted my full face while en femme
(although I did blur it *slightly* using Gimp)!!
For more information, see my Dieting Subsection. (Click here to see my Diet Weight Loss Graph.)
My wife and I have been enjoying our stimulating conversations with psychotherapist Sam Allen, and overall I have settled into a more relaxed comfort zone, in which I am less "preoccupied" (though no less interested) in transitioning issues. I am certain that this is largely due to being able to express myself more openly, both to myself and my wife, and others in the TG community. It also includes my dramatic weight loss (>50 lbs.), lengthening and thickening hair (no haircuts for ~7 months) and hair removal (laser, with electrolysis to begin next week; body epilation). Somewhat paradoxically, this newfound comfort and 'certainly' is also accompanied with some trepidation - which I am sure is quite natural and not unexpected - as I contemplate the reality and ramifications of the changes I am anticipating, especially from feminizing hormonal therapy!
I do not know when this day (hormonal therapy) will occur, but I don't foresee it being a distant date, nor do we wish to proceed at an accelerated pace! Rather, it is our intention to take things at a carefully measured pace, so that we can judge both the impacts on myself and my wife, as well as others (e.g. at work). I do not intend to announce or present myself as a female at work in the foreseeable future, although this may certainly (and probably will) change at a later date - if not during my current employment, then at my next position! I'll have more to say about this, later. ...
Later that evening, I ordered two new pairs of leather classic-style pumps, red 4-1/2" heels, and black with 4" heels, both from Amazon.com, to add to my 3" grey (non-stiletto) pumps, my 4" red patent stilettos and my 5" nvy blue stilettos. :-)
Sidebar: This was my fifth time (I believe - I'm starting to lose track - a good sign!) attending a trans support meeting en femme, and the first time that I attended a TTS meeting 'dressed.' My excuse up to this time had been that I do not "pass" (so far), and so for the first couple of Triad Gender Association (TGA) support group meetings I dressed in Greensboro prior to the meetings. However, for the last couple of TGA Meetings I dressed at home and left (late afternoon) with my wife for the meetings. Since there was no TTS meeting last month, I haven't had the opportunity to attend one of these meetings, 'dressed.' So - for the third time - I dressed at home, took a deep breath, and ventured out the door into the daylight and our apartment complex parking lot. As before, I'm not sure who, if anyone, saw me; however, before leaving I noted that there were two separate groups of people (whites; hispanics) socializing outside their apartments at the far opposite end of the parking lot! ...
At this time I don't "pass" or really try to, as I really just want to be comfortable with "who I am." I do try to dress comfortably but elegantly (skirts, heels, hose, nice tops), with minimal makeup (some mascara), and close-shaved. However, I still have a noticeable shadow even after shaving, although it has not been so bad the last week or so. This is attributable in part to 'good timing' with respect to my last laser/electrolysis session almost a month ago on April 09, 2007! I also make sure to epilate, fully, each Saturday, with touchups as needed. For now, I think this has been the best approach with regard to my comfort level and appearance - somewhat out-of-the-ordinary, but not overly conspicuous, except for the fact that I must stand ~6'7" in my 5" heels, LOL! ... Having dropped weight from 245 to 190 lbs. has also helped a lot, helping to give me a more slim, feminine, 'height-weight proportionate' appearance. As my face fully clears and I start HRT (hormones) and thus truly begin to transition, I'll pay increasing attention to the finer details, like makeup (with the services - "training" - of a professional). :-)
Hey, this was interesting! This evening, as I was watching television with one leg crossed over the other, almost without thinking about it I was able to slip the foot of the upper leg *behind* the calf of the other leg, in the same way that most "genetic girls" are able to do (due to their gender-specific hip structure)! I had tried doing this previously, and was unable to, but now I can, with relatively little effort! This caught me pleasantly by surprise, one small advancement in my "deportment!" Neat! :-)
Addendum: A rather half-hearted internet search on this subject retrieved these comments: "A real lady does not cross her legs but rather sits with her legs together and one foot tucked behind the other ankle. Also crossing ones legs continuously can lead to vericose veins in women which can be a painful condition.", and "The "proper" way to cross your legs for a lady is to cross them at the ankles. That prevents skirt ride up and too much thigh from showing."
Side-Bar: Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts for Sunshine & I, as we had known each other exactly 7,800 days as of Friday May 11, 2007!! ;-)
It's truly a pivitol point in our lives, and seems like a birthday or sorts! Sam was happy to provide the referral to us, and we we will await word from endocrinologist's office on how to proceed, once he contacts them!
... To be continued! ...
I recently added a "Milestones" link to the frame on the left-hand-side of my Main Page (with the relevant milestones repeated at the top of each of my Journal subsections). These milestones chronicle significant accomplishments and/or events in my evolution, and should make it much easier to locate this information (specifically), among my web pages! :-)
St. Mary's House Episcopal/Anglican Campus & Community Center ( &larr click to view) 930 Walker Avenue, Greensboro, North Carolina 27403 Email: stmaryshouse@hotmail.com Tel.: 336-334-5219 For 107 years, St. Mary's House has served college students in the community of Greensboro. We are a welcoming and inclusive communion of friends who come together to nurture faith through the Eucharist, nurture the spirit through fellowship, learning and the arts, and nurture change through social action. St. Mary's House welcomes the ministries of all people and ministers to all people:- Gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender ( &larr emphasis mine - Victoria)
- Black, white, yellow, or brown
- Student, faculty, staff, or community
- Northern or Southern Hemisphere
- Democrat, Republican, Green, Socialist, or Independent
This is bittersweet, while I really need to clear some space and I'm sure that our friends will enjoy the opportunity to acquire some new clothes, most of the items that I have to part with are *very* nice, having been carefully accumulated. These, of course, include some of the first items that I bought, and I'm sure everyone can recall the unease spent as a male browsing through women's departments for these items. They also included some very treasured (lovely, high quality) items (e.g. that cabled, moss-green deep v-neck ultra comfy 100% cotton sweater that I mentioned some time ago (January 02, 2007 - above), that is a size 2X and is simply too big for me now. I will never be at that weight, again, and in fact I will probably drop significantly more weight as I further feminize (I'm preparing to start hormones, toward the end of the year)!
Everything with us is pretty much the same, we have continued to see Sam (counselor), attend the TTS and TGA meetings, and my weight continues to be stable at just under 190 lbs., except for a short, mysterious spike (gained / lost *too fast to be due to a bone fide fat gain / loss?!) during our brief vacation to Nova Scotia. My hair is also getting longer (11 months now without a haircut), and the removal of my facial hair is progressing well (accelerating) - I'm also planning to start laser hair removal on the body, very shortly. I've also scheduled an appointment with an endocrinologist, in a couple of months (early October) ...
Hair Care Tips: Regarding my hair, as it has increased in length, I find that it tangles easily, *especially* after shampooing! As I don't anticipate getting it cut or even trimmed for some time yet, I am particularly concerned with being very gentle with it, especially with regard to combing and strand breakage after showering. When we were in Nova Scotia, we popped into a hair salon intending to get a detangler, but we spoke to a Redken / Nioxin distributor was very knowledgeable. He recommended a Nioxin treatment (I have very fine hair with minimal hair loss / thinning (to date), so I would probably use "System 1," but upon reviewing comments online and the costs, I think that I'll get by pretty well without it. He mentioned that it contains proteins etc. that help protect the hair, as well as cleansing agents that keep the follicles / shafts clean / unclogged, draw blood circulation closer to the hair root (nutrition), and balance the detrimental effects of testosterone. I hinted (but didn't state) that my own plans to counteract that was my upcoming, anticipated feminizing hormonal therapy - lol ! ;-) &rarr We did take his advice and purchased the Redken Body Full Conditioner - in lieu of a detangler - that I have been using as he suggested, a dime-sized dab following shampooing and carefully rinsing.
To further protect my hair, I am being extra careful / gentle when shampooing, conditioning and drying my hair with a towel, afterwards using a wide-tooth comb, then a wide-tooth brush, then finally a hemi-spherical medium spacing (teeth) brush to brush my hair. The wide-tooth comb is invaluable for very gently chasing out the tangles, without breaking the strands! I have a small file, with a few hair care tips.
As mentioned, Sunshine and I were back in Nova Scotia last month, principally for a surprise 90th birthday party for her father, who turned 90 in January, and remains healthy, strong, healthy, alert and active! :-) Also, yesterday - with the exception of the Shepherd's Pie that I used to make for myself in university (fried ground lean beef; mixed frozen vegetables; mashed potatoes - layered and baked) - I actually truly baked something for the first time: Challah ("Jewish egg") bread, which I especially love, folowing this recipe. Here is a picture of the finished product - not bad, eh?! I really didn't have a clue what I was doing, and It was *slightly* over-baked, but otherwise it looked & tasted terrific! :-p
As I've mentioned, I do dress for these meetings, but I prefer to go very lightly on the makeup, do not try to conceal my beard shadow (I'm perpetually "between" cycles of hair removal and regrowth these past eight months), and during the summer months, have been dressing in a lighter, more casual style (sometime short-shorts, sandals, bare legs despite a nasty scar from when I was run-over while riding my bicycle in Vancouver 14 years ago ...).
Also, my hair is getting much longer, as I have not had it touched since my last haircut in September 2006, 11 months ago. It was very short, at that time. Wet, it now hangs below the tip of my nose in the front, and is just now geting below collar length in the back. It is also a little 'fuller,' and as it gets longer, I have been taking extra care to take care of it, especially with regard to tangles and combing, as described a few paragraphs above!
As you probably know, there was a flurry of activity during the summer and especially the latter part of 2007, as forces on all sides scrambled once again to pass (or impede passage of) an Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) bill. Of course, *all* GLBT groups (with one notable exception - the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) supported passage of a transgender-*inclusive* version of the bill that was originally introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives, HR2015. Subsequently, transphobic (openly gay) Congressman Barney Frank introduced a transgender-*excluding* variant, HR3685. The HRC, despite publicly supporting the transgender-including bill (until closer to the end, when they finally, publicly flip-flopped), actively lobbied behind closed doors in favor of transphobe Frank's HR3685 bill, that unfortunately passed on November 07, 2007. Not that it matters - the fact that ENDA will never actually become law in this current administration was recognized and acknlowledged by all sides going into this battle!
One positive outcome from this "debacle" was that these issues really galvanized me into action, while focusing my attention like a laser beam on those transphobic traitors, the Human Rights Campaign (HRC)! I've detailed much of this chapter in ENDA's long history, and I've compiled this summary page of HRC and transgendered-related issues and commentary.
This is important to all transgendered people, and their allies:
Whew! What else is new?
Well, as of yesterday (Friday December 28, 2007), I've been on transdermal estrogen for 70 days (10 weeks), as described in the "public version" of my Feminizing Hormonal Therapy Journal. So far, as expected, the effects have been mild, but noticeable.
I am also continuing my hair removal (laser; electrolysis), with appointments scheduled once again for face (laser; electrolysis) and body in January 2008! :-)
Related to hair (the stuff on the *top* of your head), Sunshine and I decided to give our hair a present this Christmas (and beyond), and stop using shampoos and conditioners, all of which strip you hair of protective oils, etc. and never *really* perform satisfactorily! I read this article (www.natural-forces.com/essays/poofree.htm; also copied here) - it made a lot of sense, and it *actually works!* We use a baking-powder-based "shampoo" and an apple cider vinegar "rinse;" a brief description and comments are included on my Hair Care Tips" page!
My diet and exercise routine has been on track (despite the Christmas holidays, interruptions and dinner parties), with my weight still stable at just under 190 lbs., as intended. You can follow my progress on this graph!
This should be interesting! At our last TGA (Triad Gender Association) meeting, two speech pathologists / voice training professionals from the "Transgender Voice and Communication Group" at the University of North Carolina's (UNC-Greensboro) Speech and Hearing Center (Vicki McCready, MA, CCC-SLP, Professor and Director) gave an overview of voice-training and mannerisms coaching classes that they will be offering once-weekly in Greensboro for three months starting late in January, 2008! The costs of the sessions are reduced by 50% due to grants from the Adam Foundation and The Guilford Green Foundation!
Although I will need to leave early from work on these days (once a week), and drive from Durham to Greensboro (N.C.) during rush-hour, these classes (like everything else in my life, it seems) couldn't have come at a more opportune time!
Notably, as I am transitioning, my regular life is also in a state of impending flux. As you probably know by now, I am a research scientist, and my wife and I are Canadians, living and working in the USA (my wife is currently between jobs). My fellowship (last year; non-renewable) expires in the Spring of 2008; so if we are both (temporarily) unemployed at that time, we will have to return to Canada, as neither of us will have a visa.
This is not so bad - despite becoming increasingly fond of this region and it's people, particularly the transgendered communities - we have always longed to return to Canada, particularly British Columbia! Fortunately, the voice-training classes will have been completed by that time. In my current position, despite manifestations of transitioning (my hair is now just at shoulder-length; weight loss of ~55 lbs. through diet and change of exercise - aerobics instead of weight-training; removal of facial and body hair) and anticipated manifestations (due to feminzing hormonal therapy, started 10 weeks ago), I have remained "in stealth" in my current position. Although I haven't seen the need to identify myself as transgendered at work (my family / non-trans friends also do not know), I'm less-and-less concerned about this issue, in this regard.
Although not be design, the various timings regarding transitioning, career, our tenure in the United States, etc. have been fortunate. Thus, I am at a point where I believe that the next major stage in my transition - the evolution from a private to a public transgendered personna, is approaching, sometime in 2008. Of course, I am not striving to "be" transgendered, but I do hope and plan to live the second half of my life full-time as a female.
Along these lines, another "opportunity" has presented itself. We have a dear friend in Vancouver, B.C. (one of my fraternity Pledge-Brothers, whom I've known for ~26 years!), who recently asked if he could visit, as he is away from work throughout January, 2008. He will be here for 9-10 days in mid-January, and while he knows of some of the changes (shaved my beard of 27 years; weight-loss), he knows nothing else nor has he seen a picture of me, sice we last got together during our (Sushine and me) last trip to Vancouver in September 2006 (the last time I cut my hair was just prior to that vacation). Since there will be activities (laser; etc.) during that time, and we know him well and love him a lot, we are planning on telling him about Victoria, in a very "low-key" way! (That is, I'm not going to "spring Victoria on him, en femme, ...)
This will be our first real "revelation," and the one that will tentatively yet irrovocably link our two worlds: *** with Victoria!
So, as 2007 winds down, what a year it has been!! It's been exactly one year since my wife Sunshine and I started our journey - my transgendered transitional evolution - and it's been really amazing to how far we've come during these past 12 months!! Whatever 2008 brings, we face the future confident in our abilities to overcome challenges, and our hopes and dreams for the coming months and years!
I'll pick up here again, once I have more news to share, in my "2008 Journal". Until then, Hugs! Victoria S. :-)
P.S. One last update, regarding my web site. As the frames on my web pages started (mysteriously) misbehaving late in December, I adopted a new "frameless" page design, with a new menu system, etc., that is much improved. Unfortunately, this menu requires that web pages be saved as *.SHTML pages, not *.HTM or *.HTML. Accordingly, please point your browsers (and update your bookmarks: change the .htm suffix to .shtml) to my new Front (Main) Page, at:
